On saying "no"

 Saying "no" must be one of the biggest communication challenges. Arguably, there are people who are naturally assertive and therefore not afraid to say "no." Such people have enough self confidence not to care about what others are going to think of them. Their own wellbeing comes before other people's opinion of them. 

For others, saying "no" implies a dissonance between what they want and what they think is expected from them. A flat "no" implies the risk of being perceived as uncooperative, unfriendly, even weird. Sometimes this perspective can be so unpleasant that a "yes" is said instead. The rationale is the following:  rather than having to bear the emotional burden of letting somebody down, I will just say "yes" and spare myself further mental labour. 

As reassuring as this rationale may be for the time being, it is ultimately misleading. After all, you still need to face the request/plan/task which you did not want to do in the first place. You are also likely to reproach yourself for not being assertive enough to stand up for yourself. You might have spared yourself some mental labour initially, but it is bound to catch up with you eventually. 

Saying "no," however, is not easy. Especially if you have not trained the assertiveness muscle yet. You may feel like having to justify your decision, coming up with additional arguments and excuses to mollify the other person and to feel better about yourself. This will not do either. The amount of mental labour will be the same or greater and you may feel as if you have let yourself down by not living up to your own expectation of what assertiveness should look like. 

Still, a different follow-up to a "no" is possible, even if it is not easy at first. It is all about training this refusal muscle, or  the resilience to stick to one's guns without the need to justify oneself. 

Initially, it may involve a little "fake it till you making" and you will probably still feel the need to rectify your words or placate the other person. But if you resist the urge, you may find that  next time the "no" comes a bit easier and that the gains outweigh losses: time is gained, a greater sense of self-determination and agency arise. 

"No" is not better than "yes," but for some people it is harder to say and therefore must be practised. Trained like a muscle, it can be put to use when necessary and without a strain.